New Training Guidelines

In an effort to ensure proper training and readiness among the military services, Congress has approved the following changes to basic principles of recruit training:

HAIRCUTS:

Marines-heads will be shaved.
Army-flat-tops for all recruits.
Navy-no haircut standard.
Air Force-complete makeovers as seen on the Jenny Jones show.

TRAINING HOURS:

Marines-rise at 0500, train until 2000.
Army-rise at 0600, train until 1900.
Navy-rise at 0900, train until 1100, lunch til 1300, train till 1600.
Air Force-rise at 1000, breakfast in bed, lunch at 1200, nap at 1400, training ceases at 1500.

MEALS:

Marines-Meals-Ready-to-Eat 3 times a day.
Army-one hot meal, 2 MRE's.
Navy-3 hot meals.
Air Force-catered meals prepared by the Galloping Gourmet, Julia Child, and Wolfgang Puck. All you can eat.

LEAVE and LIBERTY:

Marines-none.
Army-4 hours a week.
Navy-2 days a week.
Air Force-for every four hours of training, recruits will receive eight hours of leave and liberty.

PROTOCOL:

Marines-will address all officers as "Sir" and refer to the rank of all enlisted members when speaking to them (i.e. SGT Smith).
Army-will address all officers as "Sir", unless they are friends, and will call all enlisted personnel "sergeant."
Navy-will address all officers as Skipper, and all enlisted personnel as Chief.
Air Force-all Air Force personnel shall be on a first name basis with all other personnel.

DECORATIONS/AWARDS:

Marines-medals & badges are awarded for acts of gallantry & bravery.
Army-medals and badges are awarded for every bullet fired, hand grenade thrown, fitness test passed, and bed made.
Navy-will have ships' engineers make medals for them as needed.
Air Force-will be issued all medals as they will most likely be awarded them at some point early in their careers.

CAMOUFLAGE UNIFORMS:

Marines-work uniform, to be worn only during training and in field situations.
Army-will wear it anytime, anywhere.
Navy-will not wear cammies, they do not camouflage you on a ship. Captains will make every effort to TRY to explain this to your sailors.
Air Force-will defeat the purpose of camouflage by putting blue and gray service chevrons and name tapes on them. They will also get newly designed and personally tailored uniforms to replace the airline pilot coats they have now.

CAREER FIELDS:

Marines-all Marines shall be considered riflemen first and foremost.
Army-doesn't matter, all career fields promote to E-8 in the first enlistment.
Navy-nobody knows. Navy still trying figure out what all the SMC, BNC, BSN, and all the other ratings things are.
Air Force-every recruit will be trained in a manner that will allow them to leave the Air Force early to go on to higher paying civilian jobs.

MARCHING RECRUITS:

As he was drilling a batch of recruits, the sergeant saw that one of them was marching out of step. Going to the man as they marched, he said sarcastically: 
"Do you know they are all out of step except you?" 
"What?" asked the recruit innocently. 
"I said -- they are all out of step except you!" thundered the sergeant. 
"Well, sarge, you're in charge -- you tell them!" 

THE NEW RECRUIT:

The new Army recruit was given guard duty at 2 a.m. He did his best for awhile, but about 4 a.m. he went to sleep. He awakened to find the officer of the day standing before him. Remembering the heavy penalty for being asleep on guard duty, this smart young man kept his head bowed for another moment, then looked upward and reverently said, "A-a-amen!"

THE 1st WOMAN RECRUIT:

The first woman recruit in the army reported for duty and was told that although her quarters would be in a separate building, she was to mess with the men. It wasn't until four weeks later that someone finally told her that meant to eat her meals with them.

MILITARY TIME DIFFERENCES:

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, What time is it?

The tower responded, Who is calling?

The aircraft replied, What difference does it make?

The tower replied It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force aircraft, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon.

BOOTCAMP:

It was 5:00 in the morning at the U.S. Marine boot camp, well below freezing, and the soldiers were asleep in their barracks. The drill sergeant walks in and bellows, THIS IS A BIRTHDAY SUIT INSPECTION!!!!!!!! I wanna see you's all formed up outside butt naked NOW! So, the soldier's quickly jumped out of bed, naked and shivering, and ran outside to form up in their three ranks. The sarge walked out and yells, Close up the ranks, conserve your body heat! So they close in slightly...

The captain comes along with his swagger stick. He goes to the first soldier and whacks him right across the chest with it.

DID THAT HURT? he yells.

No, Sir! came the reply.

Why not?

Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!

The captain is impressed, and walks on to the next man. He takes the stick and whacks the soldier right across the rear.

Did THAT hurt?

No, Sir!

Why not?

Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!

Still extremely impressed, the captain walks to the third guy, and sees he has an enormous erection. Naturally, he gave his target a huge WHACK with the swagger stick.

Did THAT hurt?

No, Sir!

Why not?

Because it belongs to the guy behind me, Sir!

FIRST ASSIGNMENTS:

It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.

A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out 'Sir, Good Evening, Sir!'

The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said 'Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?'

Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied 'Sir, Yes Sir!.'

The General continued, 'You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?'

The Private didn't agree, but then the private was just a private, and responded 'Sir, Yes Sir!'

The General, pointing at the dog, 'This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train.'

The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said 'Sir, Yes Sir!'

The General continued 'I got this dog for my wife.' The Private simply said 'Good trade Sir!'

WHY ?:

Why did congress enact the Marine Corps?

So, the sailors would have someone to dance with!

BRITISH MILITARY:

British Military Officer Fitness Reports The British Military writes OFR's (officer fitness reports). The form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are actual excerpts taken from people's 206's....- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.- I would not breed from this Officer.- This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.- When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.- He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.- Technically sound, but socially impossible.- This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.- When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.- This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.- Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.- She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.- He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.- This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.- In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.- The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.- This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.- Only occasionally wets himself under pressure.

BASIC TRAINING:

During Marine Corp basic training, one private was being hassled by his drill instructor.

"Well," snarled the tough old sergeant to the bewildered recruit, "I suppose after you get discharged from the Corp, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and spit on my grave."

"Not me, Sarge!" the private replied. "Once I get out of the Marines, I'm never going to stand in line again